Growing up a big, goofy, quiet, reserved kid it was often easy to feel very conflicted about whether I was “normal” or if the rest of the crowd liked me. As most people do when growing up I wondered if I fit in any where. I certainly didn’t feel as if I fit-in in high school. I made my friends by connecting with people one on one, through honest personal conversations, and treating people the way I wanted to be treated. This obviously didn’t make me the life of the party. Even thought at times I thought, “Wow, I would be so much fun if I just threw myself into what the group was doing.” But often what the group was doing felt empty to me. I recognized early-on that I was living in a bubble. After school activities, weekend parties, prom. It must’ve been fun for the people who thrived in those settings. Those things had their fun moments for sure, but I never felt like I was a part of anything, even though deep down I wanted to be.
That didn’t change in college. College was the best of times, I won’t get into that right now, but I experienced the other side of the coin. Once I became physically healthy, I had to focus on being mentally healthy and socially strong. This meant a lot of soul-searching, and a lot of drinking. At parties I would often over-think my social game . Am I charming enough? Am I too silly? Is that girl into me? Yep. She definitely isn’t. I would often try too hard to be the perfect version of myself instead of just being myself. As time progressed I quickly learned this lesson as it related to partying and social gatherings. I found that I was the type of person who preferred a deep intellectual conversation in an intimate setting, as opposed to sweating and yelling all over people in a loud, dark, cramped room. The thing is when I dropped the whole mindset of having to be a perfect socialite thats when things started to open up for me. I focused on just being myself, being true to who I am, and not focusing on how others perceive me. When I did that I became more of an individual than I could have ever had hoped to become.
It was the fear of not fitting in combined with the desire to be the coolest guy in the room that made me try to be something that I wasn’t, but when I took a step back and asked what it is that I enjoyed doing, getting plastered with people I barely know didn’t appeal to me. It was this honesty with myself that allowed me to start being completely honest with other people. Being true and honest with yourself is the first step to being true with others. So in the end, I’m still a goofy, somewhat quiet guy. I’m just less big. But my relationship with honesty has allowed me to become a person who speaks their mind, who isn’t afraid to fit-out, and who doesn’t need a bubble to pursue happiness.
Infinite-West 