I often contemplate whether starting a blog is a good idea. I, like many others, am afraid of failure and putting myself out there. I grew up in a household with an over-judgmental father. Right or wrong, I always felt that when he was mad or upset I was the one responsible for that. This made me less assertive in every facet of life. In class, I rarely spoke, even if I knew the right answer or had a fun opinion. At home, I was often afraid to talk about my day, let a joke fly, or even have friends over for fear of being yelled at or demeaned. This unhealthy developmental environment led to me learning to question everything I do. Some may argue that makes a person smarter, more analytical, and more respectable. I would argue that this only created a basis of fear and self-loathing. It most definitely showed. My health was headed toward a downward spiral. I ballooned to 310 pounds (not many pictures remain of me from those days). I always loved playing sports, but due to my fitness I never played at the level I could have. I had terrible acne and skin conditions while feeling lethargic worthless and lost. I was headed toward a path of a life being wasted. Of course, this wasn’t all on my father. When I left for college I still made decisions based in fear. I spent my freshman year of college making the wrong decisions. I made decisions that led to me being more unhealthy. I chose to eat mass amounts of junk food, I chose to not be friendly with a lot of people, and I chose not to participate in activities that would have bolstered my capabilities. I truly entered a state of extreme social anxiety and depression, often afraid to leave my dorm room, for fear of being judged. I was a mess. No direction, no belief, and no joy.
That all changed the summer of my Freshman year. I needed a job. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I had a friend who recommended I try to work for a technology-free hiking summer camp. With his help, I was able to secure a camp counselor job there, and my journey into self-improvement began. At first, I was afraid, as hiking and outdoor activities were certainly not my strengths, but I was fortunate enough to land in a brotherhood of outdoorsman. A community of people who looked past my weaknesses and were able to practice patience with me. Perhaps the most embarrassing moment of my life was when I had to scale a 12-foot wall with the help of a group of young men. I really didn’t want to do it. I even went to my boss and said, “I don’t think I’m doing that.” I’m thankful for what my boss said next. “All I ask is that you try.” A very small moment, but it has long-lasting implications. I was so afraid of how embarrassing I would look, how helpless I would come off as. The thing is, I did look pretty embarrassing, but through the strength, effort, and help of a group of outdoorsman I was able to oh so slowly scale that 12-foot wall. When I got to the top, I was euphoric, not because I scaled a wall, but because this brotherhood of outdoorsman accepted me for what I was, looked past it, and still helped me out. Beyond that immense feeling of acceptance within a community that I had never felt before, my eyes were opened to just how much I had been living my life in fear. Had I not worked at that camp, or had I not climbed that wall, I may have never learned the lesson to be bold. Putting myself in positions of failure is something I avoided like the plague. This moment made me realize that “failure” is the key to getting better. I put failure in parentheses because I no longer see failure as a bad thing. Failure is just the means it takes to learn and grow. The real failure is not trying at all, and that is exactly why I’m starting this blog.
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